8 months of 2010 has gone…
8 months of 2010 just came and go, has the past 8 months been good?
for me, the last 8 months has been a blur. a blur because nothing I planned for went my way, business wise, personal life wise. i think i must have offended the Gods in my previous life(s) that now He is punishing me for it. only positive note so far? the judge ruled in my favor. that, i thank God for.
looking back the past 8 months, the moment I was most happy was back in CNY, if want to look even further, christmas, I felt complete with my children with me and then there’s you.
since then, i’ve moved back, tried to start afresh, try to reconnect with you but nothing seems the way i envision it. it kinda hurt real bad especially when i have no one i can talk to. it has always been you that i could talk to without holding back. is it a bad thing to always plan ahead, to know what i want in life? it seems that no matter what i plan, no matter what i want to do. nothing goes the way i want it to. it felt shitty, really shitty. i don’t understand why i still go through this process of planning ahead when i know that nothing i want to happen materialize.
putting on a mask every day for everyone to see is tiring. i’m very tired. truly tired. often times, i just want to shut my eyes again when i wake cause i’m too tired for this. i don’t know how long more i can put up this act. i don’t know how much longer this pretentious stage play will last. i don’t know how long more i can just laugh on the outside knowing deep down, that’s just a mask.
i thank God i discovered dancing, it’s truly the best form of releasing myself. to not think, to not wonder, to not know. on some days, i dance even harder. yes, i thank God for friends i made through salsa, they know that something is just not right with me when dance non-stop, and the past months, i don’t even want to stop dancing. i know that when the music ends, when the lights turned on in the club and i have to leave, i have to face the reality. the reality of putting back that mask i put aside when i dance.
my feelings never falters, never faded but i forced myself every waking days to suppress it. to force myself to just block away and be cold. i hate the fact that i know too much of what’s going on, i don’t like it, i hate a lot of things that is happening, that’s being told to me. i hate it that every day, i had to tell people off just because they were being nice to me and wants me to know.
why do i feel extra shitty especially when it comes to weekends that my family will be away? why do i feel so bloody lonely even when there’s so many things happening?
fml
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